I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
