White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
