Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
