What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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