Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
