speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Pooping to opera.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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