i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
