i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
