Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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