whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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