textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize