Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
