Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
