My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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