I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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