we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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