you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
