I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just found puke in my bra..
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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