my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
