so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There's always time for handjobs
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
