I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
