Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
