Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
