god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
