the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
