I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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