winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You are the jesus of drinking
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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