I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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