You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Randomize
