you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
