i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
