it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
