Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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