Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
