His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
