I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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