1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
