I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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