I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
