You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
