saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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