wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
