I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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