I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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