100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I love you. Go after that dick
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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