Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
