she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
