I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
