somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
