i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize
