we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
