Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
