the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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