Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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