he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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